I have depression. It is something I am very open about with my family and friends because when I’m going through a rough time and I tell people I’m going through a rough time because of my depression, I am less likely to get unsolicited advice that makes things worse. Because my people understand that I have a legitimate mental illness and I’m not just being a pessimist, they are very supportive.
Tonight was hard.
I’ve been feeling my depression slowly creeping in the last few days. I tried to ignore it like you try to ignore the sounds your old car makes. The noises are there, but you turn the radio up louder and hope for the best.
Today started with me waking up to a migraine. Usually if I take one pill, I can go about my life within 20 minutes. They are very effective and I’m so grateful that modern medicine has made my migraines manageable. I couldn’t find my new box, but I did find one of the emergency ones that I keep hidden in my wallet. Not a problem, I’d find the box when I got home.
I got to school and everyone just seemed to be in a bad mood. The teacher that is across the hall from me looked at me like I was a pile of dog shit on her new living room rug when I said, “Good morning” to her. I tried to brush it off – I know too well that everyone is fighting their demons, and I had no idea what she might be going through. Still, it stung a little.
My students were just plain awful. They didn’t listen to me. The school graciously provided me with a half-day sub so I could finish a project that was due to the county on Monday – a project I had been signed up for by my previous district and my name was conveniently not removed from the list. I was thankful for the half day, but I knew my students would be awful. I was stressed. But I let it go – the teacher in my classroom was qualified to teach, and 3.5 hours of lost education never hurt anyone. Everything was fine.
While I was working on my project, my migraine came back and hit me full force. It was one of my ocular migraines – I couldn’t see out of my right eye at all. It felt like someone was stabbing my brain with a butter knife. I powered through it and got the project finished, perfected, and ready to go for Monday.
I came back to a terrible note from my sub. As anticipated, my kids were awful. Whatever, go home. Tomorrow is a new day.
I went to the boy’s house that I work with for homebound instruction. He was having a bad day and refused to work for me. Another hour that I wouldn’t get paid for. My college bill is due at the end of the month.
The migraine was still cutting off the vision in my right eye and I had thrown up 3 times from the pain in my skull.
I stumbled into the bathroom and realized I couldn’t find my migraine pills that I had been looking for that morning.
I went into the living room. I sat on the floor with tears streaming down my face as I dumped my purse on the ground, and searched frantically like a starved squirrel trying to find the nut it had buried in the fall. No pills. I ran back to the bathroom, almost hitting the wall because of the lack of vision in one of my eyes. I tore the bathroom cabinets apart and I couldn’t find them.
That was it. That was the last straw.
I slumped down onto the toilet lid. My pupils were so narrow and sore from the crying and the migraines and the rage that I couldn’t see more than a pinpoint from my left eye. I felt my heart beating so fast that I thought it was going to break through my sternum and go crashing into the sink in front of me. My body was sweating, I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. I was sobbing so loud – that sobbing that just tears your throat and chest to shreds.
And then, all at once, I felt nothing.
I felt absolutely no desire to be alive. No desire for my heart to continue beating, no desire to continue breathing. I just felt there.
I don’t remember much after this. I know my husband walked me to our bedroom and gave me water. He called and texted my mom and dad. I don’t remember asking for pizza, but I know that I ate. I remember just existing in that moment. That moment that the lights went off, the moment the desire to keep going faded from my body.
I’m doing better now. My mom came over and just talked until I came out of that state. I know I shouldn’t scare them like that. It really sucks knowing that I left this disease get the best of me. It sucks knowing that for awhile, I had given up. I didn’t care what had happened to me. Even in my worst state before, I didn’t have the desire to just stop.
I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. I just needed to get it out there.