To All of the Moms that are Afraid Their Son Will Be Accused of Sexual Assault – Written by an Owner of a Vagina

I recently saw a post from an acquaintance that made my jaw drop. This girl went on a rant about how terrified she is that her 2 year old son is going to one day be accused of sexually assaulting a woman, how the #MeToo movement has gone too far, and how women need to just take responsibility for putting themselves in bad situations. She went on to say how she does not want her son to have to endure that torture and have his reputation destroyed, how she doesn’t want her baby to go to jail. She said how girls need to just learn to say no, how simple can that be?

Let me tell you something girl, I said no, and he said, “Playing hard to get?” and proceeded. I cried, tried to push him away, and even hit him. He proceeded to sexually assault me. Nothing MY actions did could have changed the situation. He CHOSE to do what he wanted, despite my feelings about it and my consistent protests. Someone’s son did that to me, and your son can too. If you don’t want your son to be that guy, keep on reading.

I get it. Some women lie. I’m sure there are some women out there that consent to sleep with men for whatever reason, regret it, and then lie about it in order to save face. Some women have a guy accidentally bump into them in a crowded room where there is no way of avoiding physical contact and they start screaming about assault. Women who legitimately lie about being sexually assaulted are complete garbage. But I’m going to hit you with some facts:

It is common knowledge that 1 and 3 women are sexually assaulted at least once in their lives. So think of three women that you love. At least of them was most likely the victim of sexual assault. Now, I’m not saying that woman was raped. There is a big difference, so let’s get into that. Sexual assault is an umbrella term that covers any unwanted sexual contact or behaviors that occur without the explicit consent of all parties involved. Rape is the act of physically penetrating (with a penis or another object) another human without their consent. It’s illegal and it is immoral.

So what does this mean for your precious son?

If he grabs someone’s boob without her permission, that’s sexual assault.

If a girl gets drunk at a party while they are kissing, passes out, and he continues to touch her, he sexually assaulted her.

If your son is having sex with a girl and she asks him to stop and he doesn’t, he raped her. Even if she said yes at first.

If your son keeps asking someone for a blowjob, arguing “If you loved me you would”, that is coercion.

I could go on and on forever, but I won’t. Just know your little boy can be prosecuted for any and all of these things. He could (should) go to jail.

BUT FEAR NOT!

A woman, who bears a vagina, was sexually assaulted, and is willing to slap your stupid face with reality is here to give you a fool-proof way to teach your son to not get accused of sexual assault. If you teach your son the following things, he should be fine.

  1. Don’t rape people. Just don’t do it.
  2. If someone says no, they mean no. Don’t ask questions, don’t try to convince them otherwise, don’t argue, don’t force yourself upon them, and don’t harm them in any way. Accept that they said no, stop what you are doing, and say, “Okay.”
  3. If you are in the middle of any type of sexual contact that they agreed to and they say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” Stop. Stop what you are doing, ask them if they are okay (although you are not entitled to an answer) and make sure they are safe. As a woman who has been sexually assaulted, I can tell you from experience that we might be having a good time at first, but then something might make us uncomfortable. If we ask you to stop, it is not necessarily because you did something wrong. It could be because something hurt, we were no longer having a good time, or any other reason. It does not matter what the reason is, just stop. They gave you a no, you are not entitled to a reason or to continue. And please, for the love of all things good in this world, do not bring up blue balls. Deal with it. You having a little bit of discomfort in your manhood is nothing compared to someone having to deal with knowing they were sexually assaulted for the rest of their lives. Or you going to jail. I repeat, that can (should) happen.
  4. When a girl rejects you, don’t attack them with your words and don’t attack them physically. Don’t call them a fat whore after they refuse to go on a date with you simply because they aren’t interested. Do you really want to be with someone who isn’t interested in you? No? Then leave them alone and find someone who is interested in you. Just say, “Okay, thank you anyhow” and move on. Don’t pursue her. She is not playing hard to get. She said no, she is not interested, and you do not have the right to try to convince her otherwise.
  5. Don’t touch other people unless they explicitly want to be touched. Don’t grab a girl’s boob at a party because she is wearing a shirt that shows most of it. Don’t grab their boob at a party because they are showing all of their boob. I don’t care if she is walking around stark naked wearing a sombrero and a glow-stick necklace that sings the national anthem. You do not have the right to touch her unless she asks you to do so. I tell my elementary students all the time, “Keep your hands to yourselves”. Some of you didn’t listen to your kindergarten teacher and it really shows.
  6. The best thing you can do is ask. Instead of just going for it as a sweeping romantic gesture, have a conversation. Say, “Hey, I’m really attracted to you, would you like to (fill in the blank)?” No means no is not good enough anymore. There are many women who are fearful of saying no for whatever reason. For me, I was afraid of being hit (again). She might say: I’m not sure, I don’t know, maybe some other time, not right now, uh…sure I guess so…”, she might have an excuse for something she might have to do, she might say she isn’t feeling well, or she might even be unconscious. She might physically resist. There are many other things that could happen, but if any of them do happen, YOU DO NOT HAVE CONSENT. Get a solid yes. If you ask if they would like to have sex and they say yes, you are good to go. Go have sex, enjoy it, and I wish you the best. If they say no or say/do any of the things listed above, do not proceed, you do not have consent. If you are unsure, say, “I’m getting some mixed signals from you, I’m sorry if I’m being too forward or make things awkward, but I want to respect you, so I’m going to ask. Do you want to (insert sexual act here)?”. It might be weird, it might not sound cool, but it is better than sexually assaulting someone.
  7. If you do decide to just go for it and there is any type of resistance, stop. Ask her if she is okay. If she is not, apologize, and make sure she is okay. Listen, I have been kissing a guy and he decided to start unbuttoning my jeans. I wasn’t ready for that, I understood I was sending mixed signals, so I didn’t blame him. Most women don’t blame a guy if they are in the middle of a something and the guy attempts something and then stops when she says no. It happens. But when someone communicates with you that what you are doing is too much, you have the DUTY to stop what you are doing. The guy did not sexually assault me, he was just doing what usually happens when two people are getting in the mood. But he stopped when I asked him to, we had a conversation about what was comfortable, and things were fine. Just be mindful that there are other people involved in the situation than just you.

If you do these 7 things, I can pretty much say without a shadow of a doubt that you will not be accused of sexual assault. Don’t rape people, yes means yes, no means do not proceed, keep your hands to yourself, stop when someone says stop, and be aware that the situation can change. It is your duty as one of the two people involved to make sure the other person is safe and comfortable.

So to all of the moms of little boys that are afraid of their son being accused of sexual assault, literally just teach your kid to be a good person. It isn’t that hard.

Author: alicethompsonspeaks

Hey everyone and welcome! My name is Alice. I am a teacher, animal lover/cat and dog mom, wife, writer, yoga novice, coffee-addict, Hufflepuff, succulent planter, and lover of life. I write about things that happen to me that make me think and help me to grow. I look forward to talking to you and going through this journey of life with you!

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